Her name's Happiness, her colour's a rainbow

Tonight I had a marvelous surprise, for few minutes I watched a video made just few days ago of my Little Princess dancing. She was amazing! I can't even believe how much she has grown up so far and how beautiful she looks. She has also became a great dancer, she's so graceful and such a talented girl and her body is so elastic making her movements almost perfect.

Oh God! I have missed her so much but I didn't realise before that when I see her beaming smile all around me has a new meaning. She is the colour of my days, she is the rainbow that raise up on the sky after the storm to remind me there is always a new pact, a new beginning, a new chance and forgiveness.

My Little Princess is the sense of everything I do, I mean every reasonable and logic act of my life - remember I am crazy. The only person I have renounced to be close because of love.

Yes!! I do really love her but I was aware her needs to grew up under her mother's care and instructions. My Little Princess, my treasure, my daugther!! You must wonder how if it is supposed I can't have an baby. But She was conceived in my heart. She is the only pure thing I still have. Ages before she was born I dreamt about her and I have loved her since then.

First time I had her among my arms I couldn't even breath. She was gorgeous, breathtaking!! Her little and soft hands around my thumb, what a such fascinating experience!! Her litlle eyes, and soft skin, her delicate body. She was like a doll made of the finest porcelain.

Nevertheless, She was also strong. The delivery work took a long time more than 12 hours, as same as her mother She nearly dies. But she was a warrior, a fighter so she fought hardly for her life. It seems to me It was just yesterday the day I hug her and she placed herself in a place inside my soul where nobody else can be, where no one else can reach her.

Beside her I understood for being mother it is necessary something more than just love, you need mountains and mountains of patience, I also realised I wouldn't be as good mother as I want to. I noticed I would make the same mistakes my mother and sisters has made (those I have strongly criticized) as a mothers. As well I discovered perhaps she is the only child over the world I want to be her mother.

But life is not easy and though I seriously considered about a legal adoption She is not my daughter.

You have no idea how painfull was teaching her call her real mother Mommy instead of me. Yes!! She used to call me Mama even though she knew I wasn't.

Writing is taking my deepest feeling out again. As you can see my life is not only about frustrated relationships with men, nor a broken heart because a men I didn't mean anything to him, neither loneliness or solitude, it is as well all these pure emotions I don't frequently talk about that I reserve just for me to don't contaminate them.

The lesson: Even a crazy girl can think with lucidity and love rationally though that means be apart from the person her deeply love.