Is Maternitiy or motherhood for every woman over the world???

My latest life's love - who from now on i will call Scooby- is leaving very soon, he is going to re-start his life in the country he left few months ago.
Because i am really insane about him I texted him asking for one of his pictures, a photo of him when he was a young child, but as always i didn't express my ideas properly, so everything was a misunderstanding.

This was our conversation

The Crazy: I want a present from you, a young child Kid (obviously i had forgotten writing the word picture)

Scooby:
Make a baby for you? are you kidding? no way.... (ha, ha!! i cant imagine the man's face, he should be scared.... or shocked??)

The Crazy: Are you drunk?? i didnt mention any baby. I can't!! I meant i want a copy of your picture when you were a child. the one which you are wiht you brother. Let me explain something. I am insane about you but, despite of that and my strong belief in family, i dont believe in marriage neither in maternity. I am convinced that to be a mother a woman needs vocation and capable biology. I don't have any of them and i think no baby deserve me as a mother (i didnt write that but it wasnt because of the baby, obviouslyif it is because of me, i couldn ever be a good mother). so, can i get the picture?

Scooby: yes you can. why cant you have a baby??

And that's all... and i didnt answer the question perhaps because i know that if i'd want it i can. In case i would i just need some strong treatment with hormons or in a very extreme case a surgery in my ovary which three years ago was as big as a "mango".

Yes, like a mango, that was the comparisson that my gynecologist used to described my oversized ovary. I would never forget it.

But the point is if i come from a traditional family where every woman has dreamt about become a mother, why maternitiy is for me a nightmare? why i can visualise myself with my own baby in my arms?? why i dont dream of a family as everybody knows it?? why?? i know how to look after a baby, i did with my nieces and nephews, i know how much dedication a baby demand from you, and even my longing is one day work pro childhood.

I perfectly know the answers but just try to think about them make my hair stand on end. I want to take them out but i am uncapacble to do it. I always neglect myself to think about this topic.

Yes, it is fear. i dont want to be a mother like my mother or my sisters have been (i am saying they are not good mothers, on the contrary they have done pretty well eventhough i dont agree with the methods used by them).

I dont want to be a frustrated woman that lost freedom because of children, or maybe i dont want an inocent person being unhappy because of my traumas... this is fear!! and now new question pop up ... why fear?? what do i call freedom?? what does frustration mean for me?

So, at least this blog is making me facing myself afterward...