Hurra for the 13th of July

Every one has a favourite number to which one uses to associate lucky or fortune - sometimes unlucky events.

In my case, it is not number, to be more exact it is a specific date 13th of july. This is not my country's independence day neither a public holiday to celebrate a national hero's deed. This is the day when three men from my list were born Scooby (1973), Darious (1974) and Coco (1976).

In my very humble opinion and bearing the past and recent events in mind, it should be banned this day in the calendar as well as being born on it. I admit I am being a little bit exagerated and ungrateful person after all those men aren't monsters, psycos, serial killers or something similar, and being objectives perhaps they were my victims (ha, ha, ha, poor boys!! ask them how difficult it was for them to get of rip of me).

So, I will add two new elements to my history - or stories - and Let me introduce Coco and Darious. (Scooby is another question).

COCO

We grew up together as we used to lived in the same neighbourhood, the same street and nearly at the same house (ha, ha, :-)). He was my first love, the first guy i kissed. My feelings for him had the quality of the real first love: Purity, naivety and a lot of expectation.

At that time, I was convinced he would be my husband (such a naive girl I was having ideas about marriage, maybe I was already crazy). As my others boys Coco was talented, dancing and singing were his passion, but definitly I rather prefered his talent for dancing - maybe influenced by the popular thought inside my culture that great dancers are always great lovers. Shit! Just now I realise I missed out a very good fucker!!

The best, the worst, the sex.

The best

Living the emotion of first love.

The worst

He was so cruel to me. For few weeks I didn't have any new of him, so I was worried about him. We used to meet even for few minutes every day just to let know each other everuthing was Ok, but he disapperaed for two weeks and none had any idea what had happened. After look for him desperatly I finally met him (what a big mistake)

- Are you ok what happened to you I hant seen you for a while- I asked

- I am ok. But I dont want to talk to you any more. - He replied

- Why? - I asked

- Game over. I was playing but I got tired. You were just a toy, a counter. - He blatantly answered

As I say in spanish "Me senti como un culo... " (I felt myself like an ass, nothing good, of course) Great way to finish my first love story. I was devastated!! It was so painful too.

That is was the end of the story but the beginning of my career as a colector of frustrated relationships with men.

The sex

Fortunately, we didn't have sex. Although Coco was my first love he wasn't my first lover and that is something I don't regret.

My first time was simply beautiful and I think Coco was not the rigth person for that. He asked me many times to have sex, but I was a little girl, I was prepared to have my first boyfriend but not to have sex.

Also at that time I was a differente person from who i am now, my expectations about marriage, sex, children, family among others were completly diferent from nowadays. I believed in virginity and have sex just with your husband. I was a child with a bag of illusions that he destroyed because of fun

The lesson: Love is a game that is only funny if you are not the toy to play with.

DARIOUS

I really have no emotional relationship with Darious. We met in the school and I thought he was into my korean classmate. I was thinking in other man, so I had no eyes, neither hear or any sense for other person.

I loved a man I wanted to forget about plus I hadn't had sex for long time., and such a stupid girl I was .(what's the hell you don forget how a man touches you because another one is coming to fuck you) Darious was there looking for some action, he was smart, friendly and that's it.

He asked me - you wanna fuck?

and after several days thinking of it, my answer was

- Yes!! Why not..? - I thought.

So we did.

We didn't have any interest in common neither a friend. The story was very short (for me too long) thank God.

The worst

We were using each other as a sexual toy. In addition Darious was married. I knew that months later from our " fucking session " but I think if he would have let me know that before I had found very exciting having sex with him. But the worst was how much I hurt myself, I am not like some of my friends who have sex with whoever they meet in a nightclub. I am not like them (but I would like to be) so the only I got it was so much pain and betray myself, my feelings, my believes and even my body.

The sex

We had sex just once. It wasn't something special on the contrary it was pretty disgusting. We didn't kiss and caress each other. No hugs or something similar. Literally we fucked as a wild animals and because we didn't have another option. I mean no other person.

I didnt enjoy I didn't even come. The situation was quite frustrating for both of us I was the whole time thinking of another man. We were doing doggy style, he was on my back and just when he came he pull me back by my hair very strongly that I thought I lost my long hair. My head pained for a while but at the same time this was the only pleasant moment I had that stupid afternoon, a delighted moment just one that made me change my sexual fantasy.

So, when we finished I run to take a quick shower, he asked to go with me.

- No way. Are you crazy, man? - It was my answer

Poor guy! Sorry, but indeep he deserved it, he made me feel like his inflatable doll.

Few days later, I looked for Darious a couple of time to ask him for sex again -of course,
the answer was not. There was not atraction between us - but I confess that my real objective was have the same sensation I had when he pull me by my hair. I felt as I would have been punished but the punishment gave me pleasure. I started to find pain very delightful.

The Lesson: Don't fuck with someone you don't like. If you need some sexual action it is better use your sex toy, It would be more satisfactory.

One More getting married

Yesterday, my feelings got down drastically. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. I felt such a deep sadness again this time without any known reason. I was strongly tempted to cry and my body was even reacting to this symptoms in a very unusual way, i had a strange pain in my chest. Literally, my heart hurt.

I managed myself to avoid the pain tqking some pills, I don't really know if it worked, but after few minutes i got better. I did remember the commitment I made to myself: Stop suffering. So, I just changed my attitude, changed my clothes and went out.

Once on the street, i walked and decided to give a buzz to my mother. I already knew in Colombia it was midnight but i didn't care about. I did need to hear my mother's voice, i needed it to forget about my inexplicable condition.

What a surprise!! after being talking to my mother about family and her health for more than 20 minutes, my mother just told me that "elflaco" is going to get married next weekend. "I can't believe it!" that was i said. Certainly, deep down something was awaken, i didnt recognise what (waybe envy, i don't know). After hanging up, only one idea was kept in my mind: One more man from my list is getting married and I am still doing the same (kissing frogs to find my charming prince).

EL FLAKO - The story

To continue with my self-evaluation and the reconstruction of my history (remember the purpose of this blog is find the truth about myself) let me tell you what was the role played by Elflako in my life.

I don't really remember when I met him for first time but I think we know each other since we were children. As a rare thing on me, this man is part of my family (don't worry, he isn't my brother) nevertheless sexual relationships between two family members aren't allowed. Neither i have any idea about when was the last time i saw him before 2001. But for reasons i won't explain - it is not my cup of tea- he had to flee from his city and my brother offered my mother's apartment as a refuge for him.

At the beginning, I really hated the idea the situation of having him, a totally unkown leaving among us (5 girls), but as time passed by we became close friends and then something else.

I was in love with this man I didn't notice how much i liked him so, so much. We spent some months together as a friends before becoming something else. One day he needed search on internet and because he couldn't do it at home I just offered my office where he could do it with any inconvenient. So, he went to my office and after chattin for a while silence became present between us. Something had changed. We kisses each other. We knew it was wrong...

And this is the beginning of the story that nearly kill me six months later.

His appearance

He is nearly 20 cm taller than me, thin, honey-colored eyes, black hair, slim moustache, nice arse and very sad look that made him seems interesting. He was very masculine.

The best, the worst and the sex

The best...

• He gave flowers. The best one i have ever never seen in my life. It was just one rose but i couldn't ever forget its smell and colour. It was simply gorgeous.
• He wrote a love letter for me. How forget about it. That was the day before he told me we broke up. One week later i discovered he already was dating a copule of girls.
• If a called him to come to make me company he inmediatly came. He made me feel safe and accompanied
• We used to talk so much ( i love talking)
• I liked his arse, his hands and his fashion style (specially when he wore the yellow shirt with the blue jeans. that turned me on)
• He was very good kisser
• As a musician he was very talented. He used to play the guitar and he played for me in my graduation party

The worst

• At that time He didn't have any job, so the most of the times I had to pay the bills
• I always though he was a loser and i did treat hem like that. finally he couldn't stand it
• Indeep we knew our relationship had no future
• Family was against us
• He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend (the woman he is married next saturday)
• In my opinion, he was liar, mean, good-for-nothing, lazy...

The sex

• For sex, he was really good. Oh boy!! It was beautiful. We had a lot of fun together and I did many sexual, stupid and enjoyable things for first time in my life with him. I liked having sex with him because he was strong and delicate at the same time in bed. Good combination!!
• He was my second lover and also the first man i gave a blow job. The experiencie was exciting!!
• We touch each other genitals in public places such buses, cinemas, everywhere.
• I really loved the way he kissed me. Specially when he kissed my navel (i got orgasm just letting him doing it)
• We had sex in my office many times, so my job was occasionally a little bit wet specially the computer desk, my main desk, recpetion chairs, the archive, and of course the photocopier machine.
• The great about sex was that he has been the only man i have made coming five times in the same afternoon. This is an experiencie that neither him nor me have repeated

Happiness for ones it's sadness for others

My heart is bleeding. Today my platonic love - Scooby, the man who makes my hearth beat faster has left the country, perhaps I won't see him anymore but rigth now I just have a picture in my head: His shiny smile.

When we met last nigth for chance - really it wasn't, because i already knew he was in the school party - I was aware that nothing special would happen between us, (though my soul retained the illusion that at least we could hug that was just an illusion, a fantasy, a hope) something inside me was shaking.

I was plenty of emotions, filled up of sensations which were making me live a dream and nigthmare at the same time. I was happy because finally i could see him after eight weeks but also this would be the last time.

As soon as I arrived at the party i looked for my teacher who was waiting for me, i just looked around to see if i found someone known. I didnt wear my glasses but i inmediatly knew he was there. My heart jump as if it was tryng to reach the moon. My breath became heavier.

For a while i couldn't even think, I was completly frozen.Finally, i decided to aproach him. I said Hello, and as He never did before he gave me two kisses on the cheeks as some european people use to do. I was excited but I felt i died. We had few words nothing deep, nothing important.

After drink one beer and he met some of his friends I asked him to make me a promise "I want you keep on touch" - I said - and he replied with a big smile in his face "I think we can do that".Maybe ten minutes later, because i was confused about the time of his flight I said to him "Good bye, and good luck". He explained that was a misundertanding, he wasn't leaving the party at that time and maybe we could have some words later, he would be around. That was the last time we talked to each other. This is the last memory i have about him.

I danced a pair of songs, then i left the party and went home. It was by 10, very early in my opinion. When i got home, i went straight to bed. I didn't want to talk to someone, so i did. I slept just four hours.

I woke up about 3 am. and after i couldnt go sleep back.During four hours i was thinking of how much happy was Scooby, and how my deep sadness was being caused by his happiness. Oh my God, the las time i saw him smiling in that way was the first time we went for a walk at the beach. Now, after many weeks living in the hell (as he describes the situation with out his family) he was happy, much happier than ever while i was trying to survive my own pain.

The day has been sunny but i havent been able to see the sun, i hope tomorrow i can do it maybe i will feel better. I was the whole night refusing myself to cry, but now my eyes are full of tears....

I swim inmerse in a pool of feelings, my own mixed emotions, what is a reason for him to be happy is causing me the deepest sadness... It is ironic, isnt?